i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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