It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
