im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
