I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
