I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
