8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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