The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
