My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
