Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
