If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
