i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
