remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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