Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
