anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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