please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
