I think I won the penis lottery.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
