I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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