Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
