You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
