okay pat passed out under dana's car
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
