Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
