I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
