If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
