Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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