i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
