can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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