I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
being pregnant is like rehab
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
