I wish my penis had an off switch
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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