im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
