Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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