I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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