Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
