i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
