very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
