You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
