i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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