I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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