You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
