I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
