i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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