just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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