every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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