What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
