I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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