You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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