Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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