why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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