you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
