sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
