It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
