So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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