I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
